Jaco’s ‘Sir, You Are Being Hunted!’ Monologueisms

My boyfriend Jaco likes talking to himself when he’s playing video games. I’ve been meaning to do this for ages – here’s a transcription of him playing Sir, You Are Being Hunted! this evening.

~ * ~

Maybe I should hunt a rabbit. But you can’t, you can’t catch rabbits. Nobody can catch rabbits, ’cause rabbits are stoopid.

I think I now have all the good things in my equipment that one needs from day to day. Survival on these here isle-lands.

Oy. I’m SO in the long grass here.

Better move. Ooh, a stick of dynamite! I LIKE that. I better run away, though.

Ach… I ate my haggis.

There’s a robot over here somewhere… DOMO ORIGATO MISTER ROBOTO

Wish there were a fire nearby that I could light… That would be spectacular. Maybe there is, ober da haus.

So.. Use the stick of dynamite as a distraction, or use it to try to blow some of those dudes up? That’s the question! I wonder where my choo choo train is…

Oh it’s a little one! Run away, run away! When I panic I push the wrong buttons… Oh fuck! That’s not good. There’s a horse dude over there.

… THAT’s not what it sounds like when you hit a rabbit with an axe!!

Oh no.. birds… *makes panting noises*

*friendly* Hey, tentacle monster!

Anyway, I think I’m done with this island. Very gooooood, very goooooood!

Ah… Ok… I’m gonna cook my rabbit. Promptly will die. Probably.
*cooks rabbit*
Alright… nice. I will run. HALP

Okayyyyy, let’s go. YAAAAAY I see the boat!

Let’s see… *sings* boat boat boat…. boat boat boat… booooooooat… BOAT!

Yesss yess yess oohhh yasss yass yasssss – the map is universal! Dat is guuuuuuud

HmmmMMMMmmm. STUFF.

*whispered* Alll-riiiiiiight!

Now I’m gonna go pick a fight with some robots cuz I feel like it. One, two, three, four five six seven eight nine… maybe it’s too many. But really, it’s only suicide for funzies ’cause I’ve now finished playing.
(gunshots)
I’ve killed two of ’em! Three four… I killed four of ’em before they got me! Very gooooooood.