Pixie's Pad

I sat in the back row, middle, as I always do when I go to the cinema by myself. A younger couple came in and sat in front of me. Their cinema experience began with him noisily shaking her popcorn to distribute the flavour, her complaining about it, and him doing it again. He mocked the voices of the people in the ads, burped often and loudly, threw popcorn at his girlfriend, and they talked – not whispered, but talked – right through the trailers. I was a bit miffed at this point, but I’ve taken to giving people the opportunity to shut up when the movie actually starts. See? I’m nice like that. I compromise.

So when the movie started and the guy continued his idiotic ‘act like a dick to impress your girlfriend’ hi-jinks and they didn’t let up with the talking, I ssshed them, loudly and abruptly. It wasn’t a polite, timid I’d-like-it-if-you-were-quiet little ‘ssh’. It was a no-nonsense ‘shut the fuck up or I’m gonna maim your ass’ SSSSSHHHHH. The guy turned around and looked at me, I gave him my best Spock eyebrow, and he hastily gathered up his girlfriend and they moved to sit several rows away. Huzzah.

The movie continued peacefully. At the end, I got up to leave, and was collecting my belongings (jacket, bag of books, laptop bag, camera, water bottle) so they got out first. The guy gave me a loud, rude SSSHHHH as they walked past.

Line      |                               Me

I hastily grabbed my stuff and followed them out of the cinema. They’d set off at quite a pace and were already out of eyesight when I got out the door but turning the corner I saw them scarpering briskly across the cinema foyer. I’ve got short legs but when you’ve been power-walking with my mum you learn to walk fast, and I caught up with them just outside the cinema on the top floor of the mall as they were heading for the main escalator down, in the middle of a big open area full of people. I came up behind them. They looked younger than me, maybe mid 20s; he was a typical jock who clearly went to the gym to pump his upper body muscles and had a torso like a Toblerone on a lollipop stick legs. She was a scant little blonde thing.

Me: A little more respect and manners would get you a long way.

The guy turned around, looked at me, turned away quickly. His girlfriend looked back at me.

Her: Oh come on, you don’t have to take it so seriously.

Me: …! I don’t pay for a movie to listen to people talking through it!

Her: Come on now…

We were on the escalator at this point, I was a few stairs behind them and they were doing their best to get away.

Me: Honestly, if I’d wanted to watch a pair of clowns I’d have gone to the circus.

She gave me one last withering look, stroking her boyfriend’s arm soothingly, and then dragged him off the escalator and away through the crowd. He didn’t even give me a second glance.

So yeah, that’s the story of me chasing people down and raging at them for talking in the cinema. Weeeee.